Setting the Wheels on Motion...

    Its been almost three weeks since I created this blog. I still haven't posted any content. The prospect of putting my "work" out for the scrutiny of the public eye scares me. And all this while, I am also aware that my blog won't have much reach so I really won't be getting essay type of responses or any response at all. Both these thoughts are equally scary and exist in my mind at the very same time. It's a bit funny if you think about it. Ironic, might be a better suited word.

    I started this blog in a state of desperation. I am nearing the end of my first year in college. I have been to my college previously on seven occasions- first time to register myself for the exams, second to get a covid test for the exams, and five times after that for giving the exam. So, I have spent almost one-third of my whole college life holed up in my home, sitting at the same table that I have been using since I was in eighth standard. Couple of weeks ago, my friends started discussing the number of credits they had obtained for doing extra-curricular activities. We have a requirement of five credits for the whole of three years that we spend in college. Most of my friends had already got three, even four credits, sitting at home. 

    I freaked out. I hurriedly started looking online internships as an amateur writer in any area or genre or whatever. When filling up my resume, I found out that I was required to submit some of my works, to show my writing prowess, as I like to say. And that put my hurried decision making to a halt. 

    I have been into writing since school. Creative writing competitions, full marks in creative writing sections in exams... I have had my fair share of glory in that department while I was in school. I had imagined that the same would be the case for me in college. I will find posters and flyers about competition stuck on the bulletin board and I would pick it up from there and stare into air and smile, whilst a very optimistic and enthusiastic type of wind blows, making my loose curls flutter, impatient for the win I was sure to achieve. Another scenario was where I would be the undiscovered gem of the class until my very amazing work in one of the assignments I submitted for English impresses my professor and he/she/they would reveal my talent to the college, making me an instant hit. I just knew writing would be my thing. Knowing how I fared in the fields of dancing, singing or drawing, writing is the last straw I held onto to keep myself afloat.

    Despite all this, at that moment, I was incapable of providing any sort of proof for what type of content I write. I had no document that I could give as a sample. So I did what every GenZ kid would do. I googled. And Google aunty said that maintaining a blog is very effective. I spent three days trying to set up the web page. Actually, I have two blogs on two different servers now. I ditched the other one because it had to much specifics that I could customize and that made my brain worry too much on tiny details. 

    When I was done setting up this one my brain froze. I got scared as to what qualifies as good enough to post online, what exactly is my style of writing and deeper questions like if I was even good t writing started doing merry-go-round in my head. I bookmarked the page, closed the tab and shut down my PC. I didn't open the page for three weeks straight.

    Around the beginning of this week, I found myself in a kind of personal hell where I was grappling with questions like what is the purpose of my life, where am I headed and what the bloody hell am I doing with my life right now. I hated that I had nothing to work for or work towards. The feeling of uncertainty never sits well with me. So I decided that I need to do something, have something happening in my life, to make sure I don't walk around like a 'niraasha kaamukan' in my house. And then, I remembered this blog.  

    So we are all caught up! In a nutshell, I will produce content when I am either euphoric or when my brain is on the verge of combusting. I still don't know what type of content I will be publishing. I want this to be free space for me to explore. Oh! I also would be coming up with content when I am angry or disappointed at someone, something or just with world and life in general. I promise to try and not make this blog my online journal.

Much love, 
Resh